He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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