I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize