i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
