apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
