you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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