you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
