You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize