Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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