sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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