you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
