Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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