I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
