i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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