FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
