Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
