I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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