Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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