so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
