My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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