The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
