I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They took my balls.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize