He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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