I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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