just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
