i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
