So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
