he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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