Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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