mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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