Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
