you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You ruined the universe
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
