Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
