I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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