You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
