break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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