I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
