I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
