he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
