I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
