Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
