Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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