He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
