Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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