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I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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