life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
