Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
