i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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