have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So here I am, sexting at work.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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