first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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