Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
