the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
