Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize