I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
