actually, I'm a sock model
We're like a lot better than the average bears
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
