Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
