a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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