I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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