I skipped work to stalk him.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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