Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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