I skipped work to stalk him.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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