oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
