I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i will never coherently bang her
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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