remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
